Disturbing the Universe.

A second chance at life may seem really appealing to others, who wouldn’t want to have the chance to redo everything and make it right the second time around? It must be a very wonderful feeling to know that you can experience everything in a whole new light, in a different perspective. Knowing what to do at exactly when and where it’s gonna happen. Nothing could have been better than that.

But if it was to be given to me, If I would be given a second chance at life, I’d rather not take it.

If I were to take it, I would answer 81 in that 9 times 9 question my math teacher asked me when I was in grade 6. He then would not take the other pair of my school shoe and I wouldn’t need to memorize the entire multiplication table and recite it in front of the class with just my left shoe on. But then, I wouldn’t learn humility and sense of humour in times of trouble.

If I were to take it, I would type an error-free essay on all of my English classes. Perhaps I would get an A for that. But then, I wouldn’t know that the more red marks I see on my paper, it means the more I’m loved by my professor. I wouldn’t know the value of improvement.

If I were to take it, I would know that suitors from Upper classes does not necessary mean that they are wise enough, or mature enough. I would know not to get involved in a relationship till I finish college. But then I wouldn’t know what it is like to give your heart to someone and have it returned in shattered pieces. Then I wouldn’t know what and who really matters most to me. Then I wouldn’t know how it feels to be so vulnerable yet remain strong amidst everything.

If I were to take it, I would study real hard and graduate BA Journalism in UP Diliman just on time. I wouldn’t drink alcoholic beverages on a regular basis coz I would know that it would just damage my gall bladder and would forever scar the feelings of my parents. I would know not to mess around and have fun in my own way.

But then I wouldn’t know how much I really appreciate everything my parents have done for me. I wouldn’t know how to value time and effort, I wouldn’t meet the wonderful fabulous people I’ve met when I chose to work before I study, I wouldn’t learn the value of everything around me. I wouldn’t meet that one person who would stay beside me all throughout, no matter how many mistakes I’ve done in the past.

So, while the offer seems really tempting. I have to say no this time. I value the lessons I have learned from my mistakes and redoing it will just defeat its purpose of teaching me what I needed to know in what I had to experience.

I stand before you now, rejecting the offer. For ladies and gentlemen, I am good to go.

Today, I went home to the smell of newly cut grasses and foggy atmosphere. Everything seemed to adopt to my emotions. I could hear the crickets, I could hear the sound from afar. And from where I walk, I could see the sunset and it gives me the gloomy feeling yet again.

Everything was so quiet that Noah, our family dog, already began barking at the sound of my footsteps even when I was meters away from the house.

It used to be that Noah is not the only one waiting for my return.

As I walk, I feel the weight of my shoulders drown upon me again. It’s a different feeling, walking home to see no one waiting for me. It’s like I wanted to stay at some place else to not feel the agony.

When you’ve done something for so long that it has become a part of your system, a part of you dies with it the moment you choose to let it go. And no matter how hard you try to convince yourself that you’re ready to let it all go, there’s still that small voice inside your head that tells you to hold on.

Really, when do you let go of something? Do you let go when it hurts so bad, or do you hold on til it hurts no more? Do you let go when you find something is wrong, or do you hold on to wait til it gets right?

What if holding on is killing you inch by inch but letting go kills you in an instant?

How would you live?

I don’t know how I was able to sleep last night. I kept on turning side to side, it’s like I can’t find my position. At one point, I know it was because I was so used to hugging someone in my sleep, no matter what time he would sneak in beside me.

Sometimes, I feel that I am going to break down any second. My friends are awfully busy with their own lives and I don’t have anyone to share this crap with. I decided to move my entire blog somewhere else, at least I have the freedom to publish in here what I feel.

I wanted to say Thank God it’s Friday. But then again, it’s only friday.

You know how sometimes, even though we know deep inside that we’re strong, there still comes this point in our lives when we feel questioned about that strength, if it’s really there?

It happens to me all the time.

If I would look back at the girl who survived a round trip visit to hell and back, I would sometimes wonder where that girl is. If she’s still alive or something killed her that I don’t know about.

Sometimes, I miss her. Like I know I would be better if she was me. If she was fighting this battle, I know she’d definitely win it. Nail it down like she’s been doing for years.

I was constantly wanting her to come back, wishing she’d be here instead. But you know what, as I’m typing this entry, I realized that she’s not really gone, it’s just there’s so many things happening in my life right now that I always forget to see her, to acknowledge the fights she’s fighting for me.

That something that hurts so bad is just a pinch of pain. That it doesn’t affect you at all. That you can smile behind all the pain and you can go on with your life without a hint that you are dying inside. That you can go on and laugh at life’s cruel jokes and not feel a prick in your heart.

I wish pretending was that easy.

If you would just look at her, for just one minute and try to analyze what she really feels inside, how she really feels whenever you’re together, then maybe you’ll realize there’s something missing in her.

If you would just listen to what she’s trying to tell you over the years, how she wanted to bring back the old times, and why shouldn’t she? it was the best days of her life, the days when she felt she was everything to just one person. what she would do to have it all back, what she would give to feel that again.

If you would just try to understand how hard it has been to her, to feel like the highest second priority in your life, to feel that she always has to go second to something, and not be able to do anything about it. She’s always compared to a material thing. always the second option. And yet it’s something she must accept. She must understand.

Maybe if you’ll try to fit in her place just for once. You’d see that behind all the demands, all the requests, she’s just a girl, wanting to feel the same amount of love she’s been giving. Maybe, she’s just a girl who wants to be loved. to be cared for.

Maybe she’s not asking too much.

Today, even the most expensive ice cream or chocolate won’t lift my spirits up.

I just made a decision that would probably affect the rest of my life. It’s like everything is in a shameful mess right now, it’s suicidal to even think of a way out.

It’s like the rest of my life ended in a snap, but I have to be strong, it’s my decision after all.

Today, I feel like a bullet landed straight to my head and decided to stay there forever. Today, I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulder. Like I’m a helpless little girl desperately screaming for help.

But no one would hear me.

I didn’t sleep well last night. I kept on looking for you. :( I can’t wait for Saturday. :( I miss you dad. I love you. :(

Last Sunday, before we went to Nueva Ecija, we dropped by Antipolo Church to buy some goodies for pasalubong. I was given a 50-peso bill change and a few coins.

While walking towards FX terminal to Cubao, a child tugged my shirt and asked for a few coins. I gave him the coins I have in my hand. He smiled at me and said thanks.

A couple of meters away, we saw an old lady along the pavement, asking for some coins as well. I gave her the 50 peso bill I have remaining in my hand. She was really happy and she even thought that I gave her the wrong bill. I knew it was 50 and I wanted to really give her the 50 peso change and she said, “Hahaba at gaganda pa ng lalo ang buhay mo anak.”

I smiled and as we walked towards the terminal, I knew in my heart that I just made another person happy. And God too.

This morning, while waiting for the bus to leave Cabanatuan, a young boy stepped inside and asked me if I wanted to buy tabloids. Now, normally young sellers would really bug you and force you to buy the tabloids. Not him. He politely asked me if I wanted one.

I don’t really read tabloids. I hate tabloids, as a matter of fact. But something pushed me to buy the tabloid. I gave him a 20 peso bill and told him to keep the change. Imagine the delight in my heart when I saw him flash me a really big smile and said, “Thank you po ate, thank you po talaga.”

I could go ahead and describe what kind of smile it was but I wouldn’t give justice to the sincerity and truthfulness of that gesture. It was worth more than the 8-peso tip I gave him, if I were to add a price tag to it, I’d be indebted forever.

I know that if I feel really bad about myself, I would just close my eyes and remember that smile – and I’ll be okay.

You know why I’m lucky?
It’s because when I want to start something, or when an idea pops into my mind, someone is always there to support the idea and make it a reality.

Bob has always been that person who would make the extra effort to help me with my choices. My choices has never been always right but he would always make sure that I still get to try it. And learn from it.

I told him I wanted to open a new shop, with a name of Shirtgrafx.com, if you would remember, he bought me a domain name before of “Perkyshirts.com”, which I grew tired of because he would always sing it, “perkyshirts…in the ocean…” (That’s $10 put to waste.)

But still, he bought me a new one, shirtgrafx.com, I can clearly remember that night. He showed me that the domain is already unavailable and it broke my heart. Turned out that he was the one who bought the domain and it was already hosted in his hosting account.

Days later, he designed the multiply layout, and boy it was so good! I requested for .gif animated picture for the homepage, and he did it in flash. :D

And yesterday when I got home, I was surprised to see that the multiply account I just opened was already a PREMIUM account.

I am typing this with much thanks to him, and with him snoring in the background, I know I’ve got everything I need to focus and do well.

I love you daddy!