Disturbing the Universe.

I’ve been a little busy lately… been doing some video editing for a friend, which seems like an endless task, for everytime i’m almost done, something happens and i have to restart all over again because i was not able to save my work. it happens everytime i do some editing.. and bunsoi and bob couldn’t do anything but sigh and feel sorry for me. but i just laugh it off. (there’s nothin i could do naman eh.) “Pasaway ka talaga ate,” ilang beses na nga ba nasabi ni juneil sakin yan.

yes, i’m pasaway in every sense of the word.

i don’t know when i started calling myself pasaway. but i know i’ve always been one. my friends call me pasaway whenever i tell them corny jokes and i end up begging them to laugh. “tumawa ka kundi sasapakin kita…” was my line then. of course they’d laugh… pero not on my joke na.

i’m pasaway not just to friends, but of course, to my parents. and i knew it all the time. i’m a downright pain in their asses.. hehehe. i don’t know. i just feel like i’m always giving them headaches. i make up for it, though. i try to. i’m not malambing. i’m not the type of daughter who kisses and hugs her parents. i feel it’s too mushy. and i’m not mushy. no, a pasaway can never be so malambing. it’s contradictory, and i hate being an oxymoron.

with bob, i don’t know how he’s able to stand up with my pasaway deeds. most of the time, i ask for his advice, but won’t take it anyway. i do my own thing and more often than not, i suck at it. then i apologize to him coz it’s only in the end that i realize he’s right, im wrong, should’ve taken his advice and saved my ass.

in life, i’m like that. i’m a pasaway. i try to break the norms. i do my own stuff. i live my own life. i’m not afraid to make mistakes or to commit a failure coz i know i’d be learning from it. i put the every essence to the word, “pasaway.”

kaya naman i’m thankful, na despite my kapasawayan, i still have a lot of friends who understands every bit of my abnormality. and i mean friends, be it virtual or reality friends. i’m thankful. kahit kapwa blogger ko, nasasakyan katimangan ko.

i’m a lucky pasaway.

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on the end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots was perfectly made and never leaked. The other pot had a crack in it and by the time the water bearer reached his master’s house it had leaked much of it’s water and was only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his master’s house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. “I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you.” “Why?” asked the bearer. “What are you ashamed of?” “I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master’s house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don’t get full value from your efforts,” the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, “As we return to the master’s house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path.”

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the pot apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, “Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot’s side? That’s because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you’ve watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master’s table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house.”

Each of us has our own unique flaws. We’re all cracked pots. But if we will allow it, God will use our flaws to grace his table. In God’s great economy, nothing goes to waste. Don’t be afraid of your flaws. Acknowledge them, and you too can be the cause of beauty. Know that in our weakness we find our strength.

She hides behind the notion that everything is okay. She tells everybody she’s doing fine. She quips, jokes, she tries to make people laugh. And yes, in some way, it makes her laugh too.

All day long she conceals it. Yet at the middle of the night, when she lies most vulnerable and defenseless in her bed, everything tumbles into her, crushing her thoughts with different emotions, filling her mind with a lot of questions she knows are unfathomable for the moment.

No, she’s not afraid of being in the dumps. She’s not afraid of losing, nor failing. Above everything else, she’s equipped with a lot of determination to win. But at the back of her mind, she knows she’s afraid of one thing: of slowing down and wasting time. She feels like everything around her is on a whirlwind speed. She wakes up one morning and everything else is brand new, yet when she looks at the mirror, she’s still her old self. Unmoving. Unchanging. It scares the hell out of her.

She tried to force herself to answer why she’s feeling that way. She tried to squeeze her mind for answers to why she’s being this harsh on herself. Out of sheer desperation, she got up from her bed, buried her face on her hands and cried.

It came to her. She’s been too busy being afraid. All the time she has ignored one important factor in her life. She closed her eyes and began to pray. She prayed for strength. A lot more strength. She needs a whole lot of it. She prayed for courage, courage to wait, and courage to step out and do something. She prayed for patience. She prayed for determination and wisdom. She prayed for God’s guidance in everything she do. She prayed for forgiveness. For questioning God’s will in her life. She prayed till she was able to breathe normally again.

The next morning she woke up and looked at herself in the mirror. She’s still the same. Yet it did not scare her as much as it did before. Instead, she finally embraced the fact that God is building up greater plans for her. Her time will come, but that’s not an excuse to remain stagnant for the moment. She will do something today, and whatever it is that lies ahead of her, she knows she’d be more than ready to face it.

She greeted the day with a smile, turned on her laptop and started blogging. She has a lot to testify about.

I am just an ordinary girl.

And sometimes, I wish I’m more than who I am right now. I want to exceed excellence, I want to be someone everybody around me can be proud of.

This time comes every once in a while, when I feel useless, when everything seems stagnant, when I feel that I’m threading a path that leads to nowhere. That I am not growing, that I depend entirely on other people for my future, and that I am lost in my own world. I hold the steering wheel, but I am not in control.

Just let me express this feeling. It’s becoming so rotten inside of me that I can smell it stink already. Sometimes i just wanna scream, scream to the world just how i want to prove to everybody that I can do something, that I know how to do something, that I am capable of being somebody, but I can’t. Coz I’m still stuck here.

I feel unproductive. Yet even when it stands there flashing right in front of my face, I still can’t do anything about it.

I am sick of waiting. I wanna do something… :(

11pm last night, I woke up from a terrible “dream.”

I don’t know if it’s really a dream, the thing is that I can clearly hear the television and the noise of my cousins next door, and I feel that I’m 101% awake.

I’m completely conscious of the surroundings, but I can’t get my body to move an inch.

I’m commanding my eyes to open, yes, literal. Wanted to scream but can’t even make a sound. It’s hard. I felt paralyzed all over.

Then I prayed…

I tried to open my eyes again but I still can’t do it. Now, with all the energy there is on my body, i forced myself to say “Jesus.”

In a snap, I was able to open my eyes and my instant reaction was to jump off the bed and check if i can still stand.

I felt foolish, yet relieved that my legs are still working.

I sat on my bed and prayed for a while, apologized to God for forgetting to pray before I sleep. I was having a bad headache, cough and fever that I immediately dozed off to sleep the moment my body touched the comforts of my bed. But I know it’s a lousy reason. No reason can ever justify my action.

Reminded me of Redlan’s post on prayer…

Share ko lang. Let’s have a blessed, fulfilled Sunday ahead of us. God bless!

For me, meeting my boyfriend’s family is such a great risk. As a girl, i fear that they won’t like me, or would think that i’m just fooling around. I guess it’s every lover’s fear that they must conquer in time.

I conquered mine last Sept. 15, when Bob and I went to Nueva Ecija to meet his family.

Actually, it’s a meeting long overdue.

Months ago, I was supposed to meet them already but I backed off. I wasn’t ready then. I don’t know. It’s just that… ewan…

So we waited…

Past 8 pm na nung dumating kami sa kanila. And believe me, yung tibok ng puso ko, sobrang bilis na parang di na nga rin ako makahinga kada lakad ko. Una kong nakita ang Kuya niya. And then Tita niya… Pinsan niya…

Tapos naupo kami, dun palang ako parang nakahinga ng medyo maluwag. Nung dumating yung kambal niya, napalingon ako agad kay Bob to check kung katabi ko parin siya. Honestly, ganito ung pumasok sa utak ko agad, “Pano napunta dun si Bob?” Kaya naman talagang tinignan ko si Bob. Kasi naman, super magkamukha sila ni Tom. WTF. Twins nga eh. Identical.

And then ayun na nga..Nameet ko si Nanay… Si Ate… Si Kuya… Lahat….

Gusto ko man ielaborate yung feeling, mahirap ipaliwanag. Basta ang alam ko, masaya ako. Masaya ako nung nagkwentuhan kami ng pamilya niya. Masaya ako nung nakilala ko yung side ni Bob sa mata ng pamilya niya.

Masaya talaga.

Naghalungkat pa kami ng mga old stuff ni Bob, love letters, composititions, drawings and pictures nung bata pa siya. Ang sarap ng feeling. Parang nakikilala ko ulit si Bob in a whole new perspective.

I feel na mas lalong lumalim yung pagtingin ko sa kanya, hindi lang bilang boyfriend, kundi kung ano siya bilang kapamilya.

Sa tuwing makikita ko siyang nilalambing ang nanay niya, ang tita niya, kapatid o pinsan niya, natutuwa ako. Parang nakikita ko na kung sino si Bob pagdating ng panahon.

Nawala ba ang kaba? Oo naman. Actually, napalitan ng tuwa. Saya.

Mas minahal ko si Bob, at mamahalin ko din ang pamilya niya… Kasi mababait silang tao, masayang kasama at maasikaso, totoong tao.

Lucky girlfriend daw ako. Sabi ko naman, di lang ako lucky, blessed pa ko.