bit of learning…
Today, I have learned that pain is self-inflicted… that there’s really no sense in trying to point fingers, or seeking to find out what has damaged you, for it’s only you who can hurt yourself. You get hurt with your permission. You cried coz you allowed them to, you gave them a reason to make those tears fall from your eyes. You get hurt because you let them. Believe it or not, it all happened with your consent. Somewhere in the depths of your brain, you knew it would happen, but you chose to spare yourself from the blame and take things as they come.
I know this may not make sense to others, and I know you may think I am completely wrong. I may be idiotic, but this is how I feel right now. I got hurt because I pushed myself in my own perception of reality. I tried to disown the fact, dreamed of an ideal family, and now that my expectations are denied, I am hurt. I cry myself to death and as much as I want to put the blame on them, I have to step back and put the guilt on myself. I anticipated too much, set my standards so high. And now that I stumbled, I can’t seem to get the strength, or even the rationale to stand up.
This hurts. And it hurts like hell. I wish I could be successful in putting down how sick this really feels, I wish that somehow I can describe the pain to make you understand why the heck I am writing this way. Tears are falling and I can’t get them to stop. The emotions are outpouring and I don’t know how to get a hold of myself. I thought I was compelling, assumed I was invincible. I actually made others believe I am strong enough to get through this, but when I am alone, and there’s no one to talk to, no one to listen to my fears, I am a broken soul. I am weak being. I can’t see the strong person I made them saw in me. I look at myself in the mirror and ask where the hell that person is. Of if she, by all means, existed in this world.
I feel so DECEIVED. I am so fuckin betrayed and it kills me. Yet I know it’s not by them. It’s my expectations that betrayed me. It’s me who inflicted this pain upon myself. I am no victim; if anything, I am the suspect.
From this day on, I shall always remember, that nobody can hurt you as much as you can hurt yourself. Only you can murder your heart. It’s within you anyway.
