Disturbing the Universe.

“Thank you.”

for everything. and that word may even be an understatement for all that you’ve done for me. i am not kidding when i told you that you give me strength. you really do. for the countless times i’ve cried my heart out to you, right then when i felt so weak, you gave me the will to move on. i decided to look at the future instead of giving in today. i am moving on because of you, because of the life we dream together. it gives me the power, the will to pursue and take in all the courage i could. thank you, for making me smile at all times. for doing just about anything to make me happy. for singing to me even when you are so tired, for writing songs for me, for painting again for me, for letting me pinch your nose just when i feel like it, for giving in to my moods, for letting me eat whatever i want, for pampering me all the time, thank you, for taking care of me when i was sick…for letting me crush your fingers when i am in pain, for spoon feeding me even i could eat on my own. FOR EVERYTHING THAT I AM RIGHT NOW, thank you.

“Sorry.”

for the times i may have hurt you. i want you to know that i didn’t mean any of it. sorry for the outrage of emotions, for being tactless at times when i feel so down. had there been an instance that i hurt you really bad, please do know that i don’t mean any of it. you are the last person on earth i would hurt, i can’t bear to see you cry, much more when those tears are because of me. i am sorry…

“you are my inspiration in everything i do.”

you really are. if it weren’t for you, i wouldn’t have 50 blog posts in multiply, 22 in simplyelay, and 15 in here. if it weren’t for you, i wouldn’t have written that story, or tried to write a poem at the very least. i’m not kidding when i told you i wrote again because of you. i turned my back on that field three years ago, for lack of esteem. i thought i did not have what it takes to be called a “writer”, i fell down loud and hard, and i thought it was impossible for me to write again. but you came and made me believe in myself once again. you gave me stories to write about, and feelings to support the idea. you are in my mind in every blog written,every story, every poem.

“i would like to grow with you for the rest of my life.”

and be the best i could be. i may be young, they say i tend to make decisions now and regret them later on, but this one, i know, is for sure. i am not having second thoughts on this, i never did, i would never have. if there’s anybody i’d like to spend the rest of my life with, it’s you. JUST YOU. only YOU. someday, i want to wake up right next to you, stare at you even when you are sleeping, and smile just by knowing i have EVERYTHING i wanted right from the start.

“you are my life.”

i knew it, felt it right then when you said you love me. it’s a truth we both know. it’s an obvious fact we can’t deny the moment we held hands and looked in each other’s eyes.

i love you bob, and i wish there’s more i could do to define the feeling. but i hope that what i’ve shown you is enough to show how much i really do.

“I WILL MISS YOU.”

i want you to know that despite the distance, you’d always be in my mind, in my heart, in whatever i do, in whatever i come across in that place. i may be far, but please do know that i will never be far from you in terms of heart. i love you bob, and that’s more than enough to bring me right next to you whenever i close my eyes and think of you.

wait for me, and i shall be waiting for you too. we’ll wait for the time we’d see each other again,and when we do, we’d be surprised on how much we’ve grown despite the time and distance.

this one’s for life bob.

3 months is just a needle-hole in the lifetime we would be spending with each other.

my sAd bDay?!? i dont know wat to feel… all i know is dat im not happy.. and i dont see any reason to celebrate for dis day…=( how i wish time is not running… so dat no one wil leave… i dont want to see you turning ur back on me… coz ur leaving me..=( its so hard… and i dont know wat to do.. wat to feel.. how i wish i cud just hug u tyt en nver let u go…=( i just cant say wat im rily feeling now.. i just want to spend dis whole day with d both of u… i love you.. i always will…=( ill miss u mom and ate..=(

-quoted from my sister’s blog at friendster.

and it was by chance that i dropped by her blog. i didn’t even know she keeps one. it struck me. really.

we were never best of friends. we fought all the time, we quarrel a lot and misunderstand each other on a daily basis. our favorite past time is to kick each other’s butts. i enjoy being her pain in the neck, as much as she enjoys being mine.

we are the two sides of the same coin, she’s in the north pole, i enjoy being in the south. we’re oil and water, in simple words: we can’t be together.

and it was such a delight, or a relief to me when i knew i’d be leaving this country. i thought, its better for us to be apart. if there’s any reason for me to be happy about leaving, it’s her.

but twenty-four hours before my flight, here i am, wishing i don’t go, for i don’t want to leave her alone in this country. i’ve tried that, been there. i lived here alone, and it was worst than hell. i dont want her to experience that.

i may not show her, but i love her. and i would do anything to protect her from harm. i may pinch her, pull her hair or kick her, but there’s a great promise i held to myself, that i will never let anybody hurt her. as long as i am alive.

joy, it’s not as if we’re never close. we shared wonderful moments together right? can you remember the old times, back then when we used to search the house for anything that would qualify as “gifts”, cover them up with wrappers, even newspapers, just to be able to “exchange gifts” even when there’s no occasion.

when i leave, i hope the space would be enough for us to realize that it’s you and me, IT’S US, magkakampi, hindi magkaaway. be strong, study hard, you know, i know that you can do it. i may have done things that could’ve put you down, and i am sorry for that.

happy birthday, joy. i am terribly sorry if im keeping my distance. i just don’t want you to see me cry.

i love you.

someday, i hope you’d be able to read this entry and be reminded of how much your ate cares for you.

despite and inspite everything that has happened between us.

it only takes one person for you to believe in yourself at times you feel like you’ve lost every amount of respect and esteem you have for yourself.

only one person. who means the WORLD to you.

it’s as though the world itself is backing you up, even when you gaze back, it’s just him you see.

i’m lucky, and blessed to be given friends who believe in me, but all the more blessed to have someone who would do everything to back me up and make sure i fulfill those dreams i have in mind.

one person.

just one person… could change everything you have in mind.

just one person to make you feel you are the strongest person on earth. THAT NOTHING IN THIS DAMN WORLD CAN PUT YOU DOWN,

and if something does put you down, you know he’ll always be there to lift you up.

it’s a constant progress of giving in and letting out.

just one person.

a person who believes in all that you are.

AND YOU FEEL YOU CAN TAKE THE WORLD BY YOUR HANDS.

just one.

and i thought being invisible was a thing of the mind. an impossible dream. a hopeless wish.

i should have known better.

if only this invisibility is for real, i mean, if only i could go around without being seen by EVERYONE, not just mom.

i’m invisible to her eyes, i know. and i feel it.

does it hurt?

badly, yes.

will i be affected?

maybe, i guess.

i often think of myself as a good conversationalist, but not to my mom. there’s a lot of things i would like to tell her… my dreams, my ambitions… my plans in life… but there’s no way i could tell her. simply said, the moment i open my mouth to speak, she already have a rebuttal ready for me.

it hurts that the only person i’d like to share my dreams with is the same person who doesn’t believe in me. it took me so much guts to finally say this, but it’s what i really feel.

tears are rolling as i type this words on my laptop. i’m way past the point of denial, this is a bitter slap on my face. she wouldn’t listen… but i guess i can handle that. what i can’t bear is the fact that… SHE WOULDN’T BELIEVE.

but i guess i don’t have to tell her. she can go on believing i don’t have plans for my life. and someday, when i become a lawyer, i could face her and hope that she WOULD finally have a reason to be proud of me.

what that day comes, i can finally say to myself, I AM WHOLE.

believe it or not mom, im broken without your trust. i miss the old days, mom. back when you used to be proud of me.

what happened?

i know i failed, but it’s your dreams i failed mom, not mine.

i still have my own…

why can’t you give me a chance?

warning: not for animal rights activists.

whitey, a white somehow-labrador-lookalike dog, and odie, a somewhat dachshund breed, had their final match right here in front of our house.

odie was biting whitey’s ear and i can’t quite figure out what it is that whitey was biting on odie’s body. but i did see blood on odie’s legs.

tita, tito and my other cousins tried their best to pull them apart… but to no effing avail. until my other tito, in sheer desperation to pull them apart, got a pail of water and threw it on the fighting dogs. if im not mistaken, it took tito 3 pails of water before they finally went separate ways.

my heart fell upon the sight of whitey. he was bleeding so badly.

okay, i admit, i never liked whitey. he did nothing but to bark at me every time i go home at past seven in the evening. we were never friends. i remember one time when he almost bit my butt. good thing i was in my highschool jersey uniform.

anyway, whitey… how i wish there is something i could do to alleviate the pain. he was freakin quiet yet we can feel the pain he feels right there and then.

aw… so much for a blog entry about dogs.

i’m missing my shih tzu. (i don’t think that has anything to do with the whitey vs. odie match, hehe)

*wink*

*wink*

vacation is almost over…

sometime this week, i have to drag my legs off to University of the Philippines, to enlist… if i am allowed to? hehe. i have a lot of explanations to do… i think.

anyway…

whenever somebody asks me what school i go to, and whenever i answer them, “UP po,” i get the same response. or at least 8 out of 10 people would say, “wow galing mo naman.” or something on that sense.

i tell them, “hindi po lahat ng nasa UP magaling,” and they tell me i’m being humble.

just for the records, sirs and madams, i speak the truth.

well yes, i can still remember the great joy it gave me when i first learned that i was able to make it to UP. i can remember the morning when my friends, especially my salamin, BEH, shouted from villa 10 (i was in villa 12) “KAT! NAKAPASA KA UPCAT!”…

for me, it wasn’t just an accomplishment. it was a slap to my math teacher’s face who told the class that only a certain guy would pass UPCAT. well, i love the look on her face when she congratulated me that same day.

anyway, that was like, four long years ago.

when i first entered UP and the professor made us pass a sheet of paper containing our honors in high school, i immediately wrote down, “Writer of the Year.” but i erased it when i saw my classmate’s paper filled with “1st honorable mention, 2nd honors, Valedictorian…” etc.

suddenly, the award i was so happy about lost its meaning and significance compared to my other classmates’, and i was like… “HELL! ANONG GINAGAWA KO SA UP?”

i tried my best to fit in, and i did… i guess. at least in the freshmen year, my grades weren’t bad and i was in the great condition to study and prove to them that i can do it. it’s a do or die thing in UP and i was picking myself up for the challenge.

and then came in problems… and problems… another problem…

until i drowned too much in it and lost the will to open a book or take down a simple note.

i want to believe that i am not making excuses, rather, i am telling the truth.

it was then that i refuse to tell other people where i study, afraid that i’d be called a disgrace to the university.

if i have one weakness, it’s the inability to handle problems too well. i am often caught up in the whirlpool of insecurities and anxieties until i could not focus on anything anymore.

and to those people who claim that it’s just “problems”, wait till i tell you about it.

anyway…

that’s the start of my fall.

enter sophomore year, i was on the rocks, but i still manage to get a grade of 1.5 up on some of my subjects. relief? i almost breathed out a sigh of it, but something came up to make me realize it was way too early for that.

come third year, i was bombarded with problems i don’t know how to solve anymore, and cursed with people who did nothing but to pull me down and destroy every amount of dignity and respect i have for myself.

that was when i saw myself, falling.. fast… and faster down the drain.

i am now in my fourth year of college, residency speaking.

when i’ll graduate, i don’t know. in what course, i don’t know yet.

but if i will graduate, is a sure yes.

i’d do everything to get that diploma.

in this BLIND society where a person’s capacities are based on that piece of paper rather than the actual abilities,

where those lessons in the book are considered more valuable than the lessons learned on facing life without a manual (and without a professor telling you what to do),

that piece of paper is a must.

was it really just a dream?

it all felt so real…

i was standing there, with my bestfriend, beh, and she was super happy for me… the word ecstatic doesn’t even measure up to the amount of happiness she has for me. then came in kaylie, my other best friend, and gave me a bouquet of white flowers and said, “magsisimula na… ready ka na?”

“andun na ba siya?”
“oo, waiting…”

and then the rest of the dream followed. it was a wedding entourage. and of course, i am the bride. it all seemed so real… the people we value so much in this relationship were there too. twinnie was the maid of honor. kuya mark was the best man. juneil was singing our wedding song. but i can’t quite remember what it is that he was singing, but for sure, he was beside the pianist (jean). uh-huh. you read it right, yabiba the great is the pianist in our wedding!

it all felt so true…

but to classify this just as a dream, is not enough. :D

this is more like, an advance screening of what would happen months from now. a dream? maybe. but a dream intended to be made real…. come what may…

When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny…
- Paulo Coelho

i’ve been thinking… if this is my challenge, am i up for it? mom has stayed here for almost a month already, and so far, she did nothing but to ask me what i want to do in my life. not that i despise her for it, it’s not the question that bugs me, really. it’s the manner of asking it.

but then again, she’s a parent. i know that she only wants the best for me, and that somewhere in the c0rners of her mind, she’s wondering if all her efforts on putting me to school would pay off someday.

i tell her, yes someday, it’ll pay off. am i up for the challenge? i don’t know. but the least i could do is to be ready…

i’m on the gears.

i once built walls around my broken heart,
just to shelter it from another pain,
i figured it would be a healthy start,
for there’s more in life i need to sustain,

i had to make sure that those walls were strong,
for this heart just can’t bear another fall,
yet love, indeed, is stronger than those walls,
you came into my life to sing me your song,

remember the day when you held my hand,
that was the day when you set my heart free,
it was all so natural, so unplanned,
it is love, so true and for all to see.

those wonderful times you were here with me,
were chapters my soul reached the highest skies,
those times you looked into my eyes,
i let go of fear and just let love be,

remember that cold night when you kissed me,
it was the moment when those barriers fell,
just as the full moon,i couldn’t disagree,
that night, was the night i bid those walls farewell…